from my phone's inbox:

"i think i hate the retarted parents of small children more than i hate the children themselves. i'm so hungover and i have to work about 13 hours today."

"chuck norris challenged lance armstrong to a 'who has more testicles?' competition. chuck won by 5."

"i gave my number to a guy in manpris and a pink shirt. was that wrong? he was pretty hot."

"chuck norris has banned rainbows from north dakota."

"i had a one night stand with my best friend's baby sister. to this day he still won't talk to me. wow country songs suck. did you say you go girl? is that legal?"

"whatever happened to andrew keegan? yeah. i haven't heard about him since 10 things i hate about you. i'll look him up on imdb later and get back to you."

"fear the deer children. fear the deer. state college spikes that is."

"i'm trying this new thing called 'jogging'. it might be 'yogging'. i'm not sure if the j is silent."

"theres a dudebrah with a gigantic BROTHERHOOD tattoo."

"if i walk all the way to the liquor store from rec hall after 40 min of cardio for a box of red wine does that make up for the fact that im going to drink it myself and finish it in about 3 days?"

"i would honestly smoke crack right now if i had it. not really but i wish i had some bud."

"is it better to be born a crip or to become a crip later in life by accident?"

"sex with a strobe light or sex with a strobe light on? its kind of an important difference."

"yagshemesh! my seester is number 4 prostitute in all of khazkstan."

"mel allen or tim gibson?"

"its hard to yell when the barr ell s in yo mouff. bring em out."

"beth! bear mace that guy! and that guy! brah. ice is whack."

"fact. bears eat beets. bears. beets. battlestar gallactica."

keep em coming.